When we walked into the doctor’s office for the ultrasound, I had convinced myself that we were having another boy. I just knew it, but Jay thought otherwise. As the ultrasound started, I was so anxious and excited and she (very quickly) told us the gender. I saw her type the words on the screen “IT’S A GIRL!” Jay and I were so excited when she told us the news and I couldn’t believe it. Jay was hoping for a girl, and I think secretly, I was too. I was already thinking about Leland having a little sister and couldn’t wait to tell my parents. When we got to the very end of the ultrasound she wanted to double check and make sure that it was a girl…sure enough it wasn’t and she re-announced the gender as a boy.
I just laughed about the mishap, and was still excited but a little part of my heart sank. Just a moment earlier, we had gotten so excited about having a little girl and I felt horrible about being the slightest bit disappointed. When our appointment was over, we headed out to the car and I started crying…a lot. I don’t ever show emotions very often and rarely cry…but that day, I cried. A lot. I was excited about having another boy but that little part of me that was so excited when the ultrasound said it was a girl, still sank. Maybe it was because I planned on only having two kids, who knows.
And then, I thought about those who can’t have any children. Who would do anything to have just one child. Or those who have lost a little one. I thought about how…honestly, it was kind of silly for me to be crying about something that was really minimal. But then again, I think it’s kind of normal. At least for pregnant people with crazy hormones ;) This baby boy is a gift, truly a gift and if anything, I was shown my own struggle and the temptation for things to go my way. That hurts to write but it’s true. He is healthy, he is a blessing and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But that day of the ultrasound….I really wrestled with myself and my thoughts. I am truly excited to be having another little boy. Leland will love having a little brother, and I couldn’t be more thrilled. It just took a little while for it to all sink in…..God is good and I am thankful.